


Making Baileys a Bad Thing

by jessikast



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-25
Updated: 2008-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-25 04:45:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1632275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessikast/pseuds/jessikast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Old Gregg thinks you're pretty, Howard's Other Wife." (Howard/Vince/Old Gregg.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Making Baileys a Bad Thing

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story in a kind of mad daze after gorging on the Boosh for about two weeks and then browsing the treats list to see who had requested them. I doubt I even began to approach the genius of the canon. Merry Christmas, and I hope you enjoyed! :-)
> 
> Written for charlotteschaos

 

 

"Vince..."

"Yeah, what is it?"

"You know, one of the things I really admire about you is what a good friend you are. The way you stick with me through thick and thin, good times and bad-"

"What do you want? I'm in the middle of a really interesting article about high-heeled clogs."

"Fine! Be like that then. I'll go see what Lester's up to..."

"No, wait. What do you need?"

"..."

"Aw, come on. Stop pouting. It makes your eyes even smaller."

"I don't know why I... Look, I've got a Situation, okay? And I don't think I can get out of it, but I could really use some moral support. Just someone to be with me, y'know?"

"What kind of Situation? Because if you need someone to help catalogue your jazz records again, you know I can't really help."

"I'm engaged."

"You engaged yourself for a gig and didn't invite me?"

"No, I mean...I'm engaged to be _married_."

"Howard, you dog! Who's the lucky girl? How did this happen? No, really, how?"

"He's not really...look, I just don't think I can get through this alone."

* * *

"You know Howard, I'm not sure I'm really up for this."

"Neither am I, that's the problem!"

"I meant like a, you know, a matador."

"Metaphor?"

"Yeah, those bullfighting guys with the wicked capes. I never really got that saying."

"Look, just...follow my lead. And if he offers you Baileys, don't refuse!"

* * *

"Oh god oh god oh god, I can't die like this, I've got so much to give!"

"I GOT A MANGINA!"

"Yeah, I can see that...Howard, stop freaking out, he hasn't even touched you yet. Say, I wonder where he got that jacket? It's _genius_. Don't think much of the hair, though, it's a little lank."

"DO YOU WANT SOME BAILEYS? MMMM, IT'S GOOD."

"Cheers."

"WE CAN DRINK IT OUT OF HOWARD'S BELLY BUTTON LATER."

"We can...Howard, I'm starting to see your point. Oh, stop trying to hide behind me. You're taller than I am, it'll never work."

"*whimper*"

"I'M OLD GREGG. WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED!"

"Howard, snap out of it! You told me to follow your lead! What should I do?"

"Hold me!"

"OKAY!! MMM, HOWARD, YOU'RE SO BIG AND STRONG. LIKE A REAL MAN. I AIN'T A REAL MAN. I GOT A MANGINA."

"You're also half fish. Look, I think you're holding Howard a bit tight there, he can't breathe."

"THAT'S OKAY, WE'RE MARRIED. OH, HOWARD, YOU SMELL SWEETER THAN BAILEYS."

"That's the sweet stench of fear. Vince, can't you-"

"Hey, he's your wife."

"YOU'RE PRETTY."

"Oh, _god_."

"OLD GREGG THINKS YOU'RE PRETTY, HOWARD'S OTHER WIFE."

"I'm not-"

"He's not-"

"WE CAN SHARE, OLD GREGG DON'T MIND."

* * *

"Psss...Howard!"

"Is there more Baileys? I think I could get through this with more Baileys."

"OLD GREGG GOT PLENTY BAILEYS! I'LL BRING YOU THE SPECIAL SHOE."

"Howard! Do you trust me?"

"...mostly."

"You just need to get through consor...consun...once, right? Then seaweed-breath over there is happy to go off on the honeymoon with an industrial case of Baileys instead of you?

"I convinced him it was a family tradition."

"So, if there's anything I'm good at - apart from being a fashion icon for the masses, of course...and having fabulous hair - it's calci...wedding nights."

"Had a lot of them, have you?"

"Just relax. I'll be with you all the way."

" _All_ the...oh god oh god oh god."

"DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY DOWNSTAIRS MIX-UP?"

* * *

"Oh. My. God."

"It's okay Howard, he's gone."

"Vince, he had...that was...his mouth was..."

"I know. I was there. _Really_ there. I can't believe you couldn't get it up at all! I slipped a little extra into your last Baileys even. Don't know why I had those Viagra, but I guess my boy scout days were good for something. Always prepared, that's me!"

"You were never a boy scout."

"Maybe, maybe not. I had the uniform, though."

"Of course you had the uniform. I remember your epaulets phase."

"Tan wasn't really my colour. Shame, really."

"Anyway...thank you so much for what you did. It's really going above and beyond the bounds of friendship. Seriously, if there's anything I can do to repay you..."

"Well..."

"Mmph!"

"Mmmm, you taste like Baileys."

"Mmmmmph!"

"..."

"Vince, I think the Viagra just kicked in."

* * *

"I'M OLD GREGG!"

 


End file.
